CT Blue

Hi. God here, with an important announcement.

You may be wondering why I have chosen to issue this pronouncement on this backwater blog. Well, as Randy Newman had me say, “My ways are mysterious, sometimes even to myself”.

But I’m not here to talk about Randy. I mean, I love the guy, but being as he’s an atheist when he’s not being a Jew, eventually I’ll have no choice, as he also said, but to throw him out with the trash. No, I’m here to talk about my personal choice for the Republican nomination, Newt Gingrich. Yes, you heard it here first. I’m speaking out now because I hear he’s about to get slammed again, just when he has, so to speak, risen again.

You may have heard that Newt’s second wife is claiming that she was “shocked” when Newt told her he wanted an open marriage. Well, take it from me, and I’m omniscient- though you really don’t need to be to puzzle this one out- she wasn’t shocked at all. After all, she was perfectly happy for him to have an open marriage when he was with wife number one. No, she was a Jezebel then and she’s a Jezebel now, trying to take down my chosen one.

Now it may surprise you to know that so far as I’m concerned I’ve got no problem with Newt wanting an open marriage. Not that marriage, anyway. That marriage didn’t really count, since he was not then a member of the one true church. Anyway, I’m all about forgiveness, as long as it’s a Republican I’m forgiving. I mean, if I can forgive all those priests diddling all those little kids, it’s a piece of cake forgiving Newt for getting a few blow jobs at the office. Of course, I can’t forgive that Clinton fellow. He’s a Democrat, and everyone knows I’m a Republican. Ask any Republican and they’ll confirm that. I mean, I’m all for healing the sick or feeding the hungry, but for Christ’s sake, not if the government does it. These things should be left to the private sector. They’re so good at it. 

Anyway, back to Newt. As anyone can see, I have shown my divine favor by bringing him back from the politically dead not just once, but twice. Three times if you count the fact that he had the gall to run for president in the first place after leaving the House of Representatives in disgrace.  That’s more than I did for my only begotten son, but you people still don’t seem to be getting the message, so here I am, stuck with having to make the announcement on this lousy blog.

Of course, being a Republican, I shall look with favor on whichever rich white man comes out of this process, but I’m just saying that if you know what’s good for you, you’ll vote for Newt. True, little Ricky’s been a member of the one true church even longer than Newt, but who in their right mind would want to have a tight assed sex obsessed little twit like him in the White House? I mean, I’m a Republican, but I’m not that crazy. The man brought a dead baby home for God’s sake. And don’t get me started on that Romney fellow. I didn’t hang my own son on a tree just so some cultist could be the leader of the free world. So come on all you brain dead Republicans: line up, sign up, and re-enlist in the Gingrich campaign today. He’s not perfect, just forgiven, but he’s got my endorsement and that’s all that counts.

Of course, all this may change if that Colbert fellow decides to run.